dancronin.com

I got an HDTV. I've changed already.

The other day I sat and watched a visual tour of a botanical garden in Sarasota, Florida.
Right now I am watching some concert, I think called "The Jammys." If I scan around and find a show on next that is just close-up shots of different types of wallpaper, I'll probably stay up and watch. It will be the best-looking wallpaper I've ever seen.

Now - to the companies who are too cheap to shoot their commercials in HD - I'm not buying your products. You are the black and white small space ads of TV. I'm talking to you, Garden State Brickface, Windows and Siding!

Posted by Dan Cronin at 01:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

My bad.

He doesn't look like Turtle from Entourage. He looks like Linderman from the 1980 movie
"My Bodyguard."

Sorry.

Posted by Dan Cronin at 04:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

...and how many of them look like friendly Jewish or Italian donut-shop owners from Brooklyn, or "Turtle" from Entourage?

What I'm talking about.

Posted by Dan Cronin at 02:45 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

1.) A typical rich-all-her-life New York lady in a fur coat, slipping on the ice not far from Central Park. For all I know she may have been a patron to the arts, a good wife and mother, a desirable neighbor and model citizen. Don’t care. Still funny.
2.) Steve Martin, picketing with us WGA writers outside Time Warner.
3.) Actor James Spader, not picketing with us, probably doing holiday-related shopping. He strikes me as a Brookstone guy.
4.) Someone of indeterminate sex (because of all their layers of clothing) performing an “air hanky” outside of Grand Central station. Over a planted tree in the sidewalk. Revolting.
5.) Diamond Dairy Restaurant. A New York treasure.

Posted by Dan Cronin at 11:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

...when there's a news story with Ayman Al Zawahiri's picture as the main graphic, I want to hear something that isn't 100% "chilling." Can't these guys stop the tough talk for one single second in their sorry lives? Just once, when this guy's mug is on Al-Jazeera and CNN, I'd love the message to be something like,

"Americans, be it known that I want, God willing, for the streets and oceans and rivers of the east and west to run red with your blood, but first - I just wanted to say, seriously, have a kick-ass holiday. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah and best wishes for 2008."

Posted by Dan Cronin at 12:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Ok, it's not quite at Don Knotts level, as a friend described my disposition during the machine-gun-toting- guards-at-St. Patrick's-Cathedral days after 9-11, but it's getting close. And it's only day 2 of the Writer's Guild Strike, .

I'm just not used to this downtime. Or the articles that make it sound like we're a bunch of calligraphers and this thing called the printing press was just invented. (Point of interest - Sumner Redstone was likely alive when the printing press was invented.)

I have to get it together. Time for a hot bath!

Posted by Dan Cronin at 10:41 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

When you see a pic of hamburger patties on a page of a CNN story it's never accompanied with a headline like "Study: Burgers Still Delicious."
No, it means some brand you've never heard of (Topps? Topps? It can't be the same people who make the baseball cards...) has set the good old e-coli alarm off.

(Dan eats more of his Fleer porkchop, then doubles over in pain.)

Posted by Dan Cronin at 01:55 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I now know, with 100% certainty, that I will not be hanging out with these guys.
While that still leaves lots of options - perhaps too many, still open, it's something off the list. It's a step in the right direction.

I found them through a random Google Image search, so one would have to wonder how or why I would end up hanging out with 3 weightlifters (or possibly two weightlifters and one mathematician who simply likes meatball subs a lot) over Labor Day weekend. Stranger things have happened. For instance, Mother Theresa lived in religious doubt for decades.

Posted by Dan Cronin at 02:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Here's a photo of the tallest man in the world meeting the shortest man in the world. I imagine minutes after a few of these pics were snapped, there was a lot of "okay, now what?"

And then I bet there was a bit of nervous chuckling, then tall-ey and shorty sat down to lunch, hashing out the plot points of their action flick "Tiny and the Tree" over salad.

Either that, or they both quietly exited the meeting, went outside, and tossed themselves into oncoming traffic, creating the need for family members to immediately contact specialty coffin manufacturers.

Posted by Dan Cronin at 10:54 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I've talked about this many, many times before.
When you have a narrow street, and you fill that street with Americans and Australians and Europeans in red jumpsuits who have been drinking sangria for 11 hours straight and who have for some reason recently developed a desire to mess with bulls, and you then fill that street with angry bulls, guess what?Someone's going to get gored by a bull.

It has happened every single year since I have been on this planet. And every single year, news anchors all over have reported on this event, as if this were a new, unique interest-worthy newsstory. It is not.

"This just in - the first annual Miami-Dade Punch a Shark in the Gills Contest ends in tragedy..."

Posted by Dan Cronin at 11:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

High 5, John Davidson. You're no longer hosting gameshows. You're no longer the faceman for "That's Incredible," the show where the audience was treated to a series of stunts, especially ones involving people trapped inside things, or doing things out of fast-moving cars. It was also a show, if I remember correctly, in which the paranormal played a large role. People would say something was paranormal, film something with bad special effects as "proof" it was really paranormal, then all of America would just nod in awed agreement that it must be paranormal.

(Question - as hosts, you guys had to think everything was incredible, right? It's in the title of the show. What if you happened to not think something was incredible - would you be forced to take "That's Incredible" medicine to change your mind? Get back to me)

Anyway, John. Those days are long behind you. Now you're dressing like a country Liberace, carrying a guitar designed by an italian pastry chef, and most likely writing librettos about wizards. (Nope just checked. Sounds more like what a secret disco album put out by your dad would sound.)

Continue reading "The "High 5 to This Guy" Series, #4" »

Posted by Dan Cronin at 11:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Today is already okay. I saw a video of old men fighting on the Alabama Senate floor!

Posted by Dan Cronin at 09:05 AM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

Supposedly, a small movement of people in Vermont are talking secession from the USA.

My question - should this idea ever become a reality, could our country handle that large an exodus of white guys with dreadlocks?.

Posted by Dan Cronin at 01:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Hi there,

Have to be quick. Lots going on. Forgive the "heavenly" photo.
Not going to be showing my face here, as I'm tired of people saying, "You know, you look like actor Judd Hirsch. "I know, I know. Imagine how much that would get to Judd's head. Ok - quickly.

1.) Enough with the guns. Seriously. What the hell is the matter with you people?
2.) Root Beer remains unsolved. Stewart's is great, but what did you people do with Hires? You split the difference between Hires and Stewart's, and you have something.
3.) I don't care about land. None of you are supposed to live in one place any more than another place. Everyone spread out as much as possible, and work it out.
4.) I am doing my best to pressure the writers of Lost and the Sopranos to not take us down "Who Gives a Crap Boulevard." All I can say is hang in there. I canceled a Sopranos episode entirely dedicated to Carmela's trying to set up bookmarks in her web browser, so you owe me.
5.)If you don't have EZ Pass yet for tolls, you're an idiot.
6.) Tip -check out "Midnight Run" again, with Grodin and DeNiro. Good flick. Check out how Dennis Farina's character, the mobster, when he gets stressed, tells everyone to calm down and "have a cream soda or something." Classic.

That's pretty much it. I know, I should have more "wisdom" type stuff, but I was told by the executives at Dan Cronin.com that this forum was strictly shoot-the-shit, top of mind stuff. So there.

Love ya, hang in there.

-G

Posted by Dan Cronin at 11:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Just uh, ya know, doing different things.

Posted by Dan Cronin at 02:05 AM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

It's kind of sad, that look in my wife's eye. She knows what's coming, but she's been strong, as if she's resigned to the inevitable - a series of "important" gigs in NY/LA/Chicago, followed by record company dinners and private parties, culminating in a large recording contract, and finally, worldwide tour. Will our marriage stand up to the rigors of playing in front of 20,000 screaming fans every night? We'll see.

For now, I'll just try to learn the damn F chord. On my new electric guitar.

Posted by Dan Cronin at 04:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

This is what happens when you buy a MacBook.

Posted by Dan Cronin at 01:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

It was either the ice cream maker from Williams-Sonoma, the photo coasters from Crate & Barrel, or the Blood-Covered Backyard Nativity scene. Maybe just a card? Sorry to hear it, soon-to-be-divorced Dita Von Teese and Marilyn Manson. Man. If you guys can get divorced, ANYONE can!

Posted by Dan Cronin at 11:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

News from the board of the tile company he has worked for in Lancaster, PA for 27 years is that he is eligible for most of his pension, upon his recently anounced early retirement. So that's cool. Even cooler - Herb's not settling down, no way. In fact, he already has an idea for a business he wants to launch - Hawaian style billiard tables! The wood part will be made of bamboo, you know, for that "tiki" look. And instead of green felt, Hawaian print fabric that would make Magnum P.I. salivate.

It's all gonna work out for Herb. High 5 to this guy!

Posted by Dan Cronin at 07:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

This guy has. He's doing everything in his power to be in command of a nuclear bomb. One that, if some of his errant comments about wiping Israel off the map or coming face to face with the US are any indication, he'll use to basically trigger the type of civilizational clash that typically starts with "arma" and ends in "geddon."

You can't wear a Today's Man beige windbreaker when you're mind is filled half the day with giant mushroom clouds. Abdul Ahmadinejad, get a cape. Or a white suit. And a kitten. And shave your head too.

Also, don't blow up the world please.

Posted by Dan Cronin at 12:57 AM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

Google, the site that gets like 978 gajillion internet searchers per minute, and YouTube, the site that plays 100 million videos a day, many of which involve some form of crotch trauma, are merging.

I spent a long time to trying to make my main job writing for TV. Now I am, and I can't help but wonder if the industry's going to be entirely gone in a matter of weeks. Because who needs to tune into television programs when you will soon have a video repository of every possible thing that could have ever been filmed?
A Samoan guy enjoying marmalade? You got it. The intro to the A-Team? Your video is loading. Cow hockey? Give that one time, but it will be there.

This is a weird time. TV has improved greatly in many ways, and so has the quality of the viewing experience, but the biggest story today involves a website where people watch grainy-quality, random, often homemade stuff, in 5 inch wide windows.

There's going to be a lot of squinting going on out there. Make some cash off this one, cmon, be smart. Or, just be like the rest of America and go search for "Ferret on surfboard."

Posted by Dan Cronin at 12:38 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Salmon swims away
Eluding my grasp again
Just like Eileen did

Posted by Dan Cronin at 12:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Sitting at home watching the Red Sox -D-Rays game on mlb.tv.
Wearing nothing but shorts, and the self-satisfied feeling that comes with ditching the air conditioning for a single Vornado fan. I must be saving like, what, $2.14 tonight?

Anyway, watching ball reminds me of one opening day in Little League years ago. The league had put some money into fixing up the clubhouse/snackbar/announcer booth behind the backstop on the main field. Included in the renovations was a PA system through which they announced our names when we batted. Seemed pretty cool to me.

Too cool, I guess. I got up to bat, given the bunt order. The announcer chose to announce me when the pitcher, who must have had 6 pituitary glands, was mid-wind-up.

Just like the announcer in the head of Airplane's Ted Striker, it sounded as if the announcement descended from the heavens, not from the speakers above the snackbar. As I placed a perfect bunt down the third base line, I froze, almost tracking the sound waves as they flooded the field and even the parking lot. It might sound like a 10 year old's moment of vanity, but it wasn't.
It was more like, "That's my name echoing over all this space? That's friggin ridiculous. I'm in Little League."

What was more ridiculous was how quickly the pitcher fielded the ball and then threw me out, all before I had even moved a muscle. I believe the bulk of the comments I received upon my return to the dugout were among the "nice bunt," "ya gotta run," and "what the @#$* is the matter with you?" variety. I don't know how these players do it. There's a lot more speakers out there.

Posted by Dan Cronin at 09:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

According to many people, part of Jesus and Mary's public relations strategy is a series of personal appearances of their image on the sides of buildings, on the tops of muffins and hot-crossed buns, or in this woman's case here, in the surface of a grilled cheese. What do you think? Is that Mary? No it's not. Is it actress Rene Russo? Yes. Yes it is. They have the same managers, I guess.

Posted by Dan Cronin at 09:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Not sure why I'm thinking of this, but I do. I miss the XFL.. Not the XFL as it existed, Jim McMahon's messy stew of second-rate football, miked-up morons, odd camera angles and a guy named "He Hate Me." I miss the XFL that never existed - the XFL as I ENVISIONED IT. 3rd and short? You can use a battering ram. Down by a touchdown in the 4th quarter? Use a giant net to intercept a pass. Need to elude a group of beefy linebackers? Jump over them with the use of an on-field ramp. Breaking away for a touchdown? Look out for the crocodile-filled moats, firepits and club-wielding ogres. You coulda been something sweet, XFL.

Posted by Dan Cronin at 04:06 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

Yes, I'm wearing a rather queer birthday party hat. But it was for my wife and a close family friend.

And yes, I'm playing wiffle ball. And yes, that's comedian Paul Rodriguez, in character as "Pepsi-Man" being used as homeplate. Or rather, it's a cardboard cutout of comedian Paul Rodriguez, in character as "Pepsi-Man" being used as homeplate.

The real Paul Rodriguez, or P-Rod as my friend Chris dubbed him, was doing a double at Mohegan Sun.

Good times, all. Happy Summer.

Posted by Dan Cronin at 12:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

You're in traffic. In a foreign land. Two men in white coats cross the street in front of you, carrying a giant head of Albert Einstein. What would you do? Give them a hand? Laugh? Take a picture with your rented combo cellphone/camera, probably from a company called something like "TeleSpranzen" or something?

Here's what I would do - get up, stand behind the mask, and in a really bad faux Einstein voice, say, "Ouch, your hurting my mustache!" I would then turn myself into the proper authorities, who would surely execute me.

Posted by Dan Cronin at 10:48 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Testing image uploading through Movable Type.

I'm not sure what I Googled. Was it something to do with babies? Bald guys? Maybe the computer game "The SIMS." I'm pretty sure that's what it was. Regardless, this picture is proof that we live in an odd world. Even as a fairly competent dad, I can tell you, we as a race of people are not ready for giant babies. Especially not pinball-playing ones.

Look at the guy's expression. He hates this apartment. He's thinking, "Man, the want-ad said nothing about this. It just said "young community."

Posted by Dan Cronin at 10:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Ok we're making an exception. Instead of just one guy, it's a guy and a gal! Pat and Paul Lescanic of Penns Grove, NJ! These real estate reps are ready to punch out by 5 and get on with the good life! At home, they have Omaha steaks in the fridge and a bottle of Carlo Rossi on the counter. They have an Engelbert Humperdink cassette ready and waiting and you can bet your butt that if they get home by 5:15, "Cuando Cuando Cuando" will be playing by 5:16! High 5 to these guys!

Posted by Dan Cronin at 10:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Man I hope we never get this desperate. Imagine that, we get to a point where we've tried everything, so a government initiative supporting "out of the box thinking" takes over? "I don't know General, I just thought that if we strapped rockets to the back of cats wearing melon rinds, it would be very surprising to the enemy. Plus, they would be good at infiltrating caves." General: "Patterson, thank god we hired you. To think you would have wasted your career over at NERF."

Posted by Dan Cronin at 10:53 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

The latest Osama Bin Laden tape made me think of all the boneheads, scumbags and all-around schmucks we've let into the limelight and our living rooms. The Joey Buttafuocos, Victoria Gottis, Ryan Seacrests. Our society is so accepting, it made me wonder, could an evil terrorist like Osama Bin Laden get a free pass? Catching him seems out of the question, so maybe we just make him into a TV personality. He's obviously got the camera equipment. All he would need is some Western-ized duds and a satellite feed and he could be showing up on Crossfire, Real Time with Bill Maher and VH1's Best Week Ever. And the signature end to every piece would have the show's host or interviewer asking Osama, "I have to ask - where the hell are you? Cmon Osama - just a hint, just a hint."

Posted by Dan Cronin at 10:56 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)